Over the years I have seen many posts online from strangers and even people I know repeating the phrase “My children come first”. While I do understand where those comments come from, my daughter does not come first and nor should she. Some of you may be thinking “whoa! You don’t care about your daughter?!”, I assure you that could not be further from the truth. Our daughter is just as important as mom and dad, she is valued and loved and cared for and she has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives.
So then how can you say she doesn’t come first?
Let me explain. As a parent it is our responsibility to raise our tiny humans to become functioning adults. What that looks like to one parent is completely different than another but we all have the same goal of not raising little assholes. As part of that responsibility it is our job to teach our daughter things like boundaries, emotional maturity, empathy, confidence and self-assurance (to name a few). All of the things we wish to teach her, we know will be taught by our example more than by what we ask of her. Haven’t you heard the phrase “children will do as you DO not as you SAY”? So therefor, it is our responsibility to make sure that we are modeling what we expect of her, and that starts in the home. The tone of your home sets the environment for learning and growth.
The way that we do that is by putting our marriage first above all else. Let me say that again, our MARRIAGE COMES FIRST! If we aren’t working on our relationship and looking to continually grow in the area of how best to love each other, how can we ever expect our daughter to learn how to treat someone she loves? If all she sees is daddy and mommy yelling at each other, talking about how awful the other person is, or even freezing each other out when they are mad, how is she ever going to learn how to love and be loved properly? That being said we are far from perfect, we still fight (we are human) but our overall goal is to teach by example, so we have to focus on that first. As parents, it is our job to model to our daughter what she should expect from her future husband, as well as how she should treat him. I never want her to feel like she has to take sides with one of us because we are fighting. I would never want to dishonor the image she has of her father by complaining about something in front of her that should have been kept between him and I. I say this as someone who is married but I would do the same if we were separated. So that being said, we have to continuously work on us. The more work we do within ourselves the more it will spill out onto her.
In fact, I would take a bullet for my child, I would push her stroller out of the way and take a hit from a moving car for her, hell I would take on a Grizzly if it meant her having the slightest chance of getting away. I've had a friend ask me; you say “I would die for my kids” but would you live for them? I want to do the best I can to live each day being the best mother I can be. Each day that means something a little different but overall it means showing her that Mommy and Daddy are going to fail (constantly!) but we are going to keep getting back up. We are going to focus on our marriage and how we treat each other, and learning to not argue in front of her or put her in the middle of it or allow the tension of unresolved issues affect how we treat her. Will we be perfect? HELL NO! but the fact that we keep trying, we keep getting back up, we continue to mature and work on becoming just a little bit better every day and we have grace and love with each other when we inevitably fall down again… THAT, that right there shows her what perseverance, patience, love, understanding and forgiveness looks like. There is no way that I could teach her those things by just telling her to forgive, I have to show her what that looks like.
To be honest, even before our marriage, I come first. For the same reasons that our marriage comes before our children, taking care of ME comes before our marriage. That doesn’t mean I am neglecting my marriage, just as it doesn’t mean neglecting my responsibilities as a mother. It just means that a person cannot give what they do not have. I cannot share from an empty cup. While I do think that self-care is valid and definitely needed (more on this in upcoming posts) I think that self-development is required if we want to do better for our children. Speaking from experience I know I am low in the patience department… for basically everything… so I need to work on that. So, what does that look like? It means when my child is whining with her hand out saying “more please” (with the tell tale signs of a meltdown coming because I can’t make eggs cook any faster) I have to tell her to have patience, but I also have to have the patience not to lose my cool on her even if she starts having a meltdown. It means that when I am worked up, I choose to cool down somewhere instead of taking it out on other people, just as I teach her to do when she is worked up. It means that when her daddy tickles her and she says No, that he stops and respects her boundaries until she says Yes again. When it comes to hitting, who ever was being hit (out of anger or frustration) that it requires a conversation and an explanation that not only do we not hit, but asking; does mommy hit you when she is mad? No. Then we don’t hit mommy when you are mad. Working on these things has been the biggest test of my life (and I have a LOT more to come as the years progress). I am learning every day just as she is, so I NEED to work on myself. It isn’t a question; I need to grow my capacity in order to continue to be the best example I can be. That being said, if you are trying to improve and grow personally, have some damn grace with yourself! If you are doing all you can do (no matter what that looks like compared to ANYONE ELSE) then you are being a great parent!
Sure, sometimes it is frustrating when she doesn’t just do what we ask of her (I think all parents wish their children would listen all the time) but is whining and getting mad at her or yelling going to teach her to handle her own emotions when she gets frustrated? No. So that means I have to work on my own flaws first. Does working on what I model to her some how make it easier? Hell No! Some times it feels like it is a million times harder than just giving in to what she wants. In the long run though, it’ll become easier (I’ve already seen it) but it also gives us both a moment to learn. Kids will do what you do, not what you say, let me give you an example. Have you ever tried to feed your little one something and they apparently hate it, but then they see you eating the same exact thing off of your own plate and they now feel the need to beg for a tiny piece of what ever you are having? Like come on kid it’s the exact same thing! Right? They just want to see you do it first, like eating the bowl of cereal.
I can’t remember who said it but one of the many Instagram quotes I have come across hit me like a brick; “No one will listen to the story of someone who did nothing” … and neither will your kids. I can’t teach my daughter how to change a tire because I have never done it. Could you imagine trying to tell someone what to do and how to do it even though you’ve never done it yourself? Most of us have come across people like that (people tend to give a lot of advice when you’re pregnant) and it doesn’t make us feel good or confident in what they are saying. If you have ever read anything by John Maxwell or have had the pleasure of meeting him you would know how much he genuinely cares for other people, and that he wants to see people reach their potential and he is very open about his failures and his struggles. In one of his recent books “Intentional Living” he refers to a story about a time he chatted with the president of Global Teen Challenge (an organization that helps teens get off of drugs) about their success rate of almost 70% compared to other companies trying to do the same thing, only reaching about an 18% success rate. The president said to John, “Almost all the people that do the teaching for Global Teen Challenge are former drug addicts. We don’t bring in people who have studied the drug issue. We don’t bring in educators to talk to people. There’s tremendous change that happens in someone’s life when the person who is trying to help them out of the ditch had to get out of the ditch themselves.” So, if the mentality of not only talking the talk but walking the walk can work for organizations helping with issues like drug addiction, you bet I’m sure going to do my best to match my walk with my talk when it comes to raising my own children.
That is why our daughter does not “come first”, yet by focusing on our marriage and our personal growth, she benefits tremendously because she is seeing her parents live through their values. That being said we are far from perfect, but that is why we work on it. Do we still freeze each other out some times? Of course. Do I still yell in frustration? Absolutely, and I’m not proud of it but I am honest, and I have been working hard at. At the end of the day we will never be perfect, but I want her to see those setbacks. I want her to see her mommy and daddy get back up and try to do better, I want her to see us apologize when we are wrong and forgive each other out of love. I want her to know what it is like to truly love who you are, flaws and all. I want to teach her perseverance and overcoming and how to love others and how-to live-in generosity and how to be okay with failure, as long as you do something with it. I want to teach her so many things … but I can only teach her those things by living them first.
Children will not learn the attributes you lack in your character. They do not fill your gaps; you fill your own gaps and show them how to do the same.
xox Mama Wolff