A few months ago, I reached out to an old friend, who is now a beautiful mama and business woman. She offers crystal healing (it’s even cooler than it sounds) and you can find her on Facebook at Gem & Aura https://www.facebook.com/gemandaura. She also sells handmade jewelry.
Her daughter, turned one a few months before Baby Bear, and I just knew I had to get her take on her first year of motherhood. I’ve been waiting impatiently for the opportunity to share this interview with you. So here goes!!
INTRODUCING MAMA UNICORN.
Mama Bear: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview! And congrats again for surviving your first year of motherhood! It truly is a milestone we should receive an award for. We really want our blog to be a place where not only our voices can be heard, but also the voices of other moms as well.
Mama Unicorn: Thank you so much for asking! There’s not enough REAL mom talk out there- it’s all either “perfect” or joking about drinking wine. We need to have the gritty talks so we know we aren’t alone. Full transparency in motherhood is very important for me.
1. Thinking back to the day your daughter was born, what is something you know now, that you wish someone had told you then?
MU: I wish I knew that women could have a low milk/colostrum supply. It sounds silly- like duh of course you can.. but have you ever thought of that before pregnancy? Probably not. Iris cluster fed and cried all the first night... because she was hungry. The nurses didn’t suggest this when I called them in late at night. I still feel sad to this day thinking about how hungry she must have been. My nipples were raw and she probably wasn’t getting anything. Had I known, I would have brought or asked for formula to supplement. Next time!
2. Has this first year lived up to your expectations? Exceeding them? Have you felt any disappointments?
MU: Hmm, I’m not sure what I really expected. I definitely thought I would have more time to work on my business and get other things done. What a joke haha! I think I always planned to go with the flow and just soak up our baby- we definitely have done that! I’ve felt disappointment in myself that I’ve been having difficulty managing my time and using spare time wisely for work, cooking, etc. but that’s just unnecessary criticism that I throw myself sometimes.
3. What helped you get through your hardest days during this first year?
MU: Omg. So Reddit was actually a life saver in the early days when we had no idea what to do with Iris. Daily, we caught ourselves saying “what did our parents do without the internet” (which in turn, can also be a parent’s worst nightmare if you aren’t careful!!!). I desperately made myself a wallpaper for my phone one evening when we were driving around to get Iris to sleep because she was inconsolable. I remember that evening- Iris was screaming. I was crying. Ugh. The wallpaper said “pink skies up ahead” meaning ‘things will get better- there’s a lot to look forward to’. It didn’t feel like it was true at the time, but all of a sudden we’re here living in the “pink skies” and it’s wonderful.
Lastly, having mom friends that could relate was amazing. I swear, misery loves company and if you have a friend that’s been there and will straight up say “oh my fuck. I remember that- Jimmy was a nightmare at that age. Try this:” KEEP HER. Motherhood is gritty. If you’re drowning in the thick of it, the last thing you need is mom friends with (seemingly) perfect lives, perfect families and perfect babies. They’ll make you feel like crap. Sorry, but they will. Love them from a distance until you feel better.
Also I need to shout out my cousin that frequently snuck over full meals with enough for leftovers (and coffee) and my neighbor for dropping individual sized homemade soups to freeze (and treats). Angels, I tell you.
4. Was motherhood harder or easier than you anticipated?
MU: A MILLION TIMES HARDER. I have a background in caregiving and had experience with babies before I had Iris so I really thought I had this in the bag. Turns out it’s a lot different when you’re doing it 24/7 and running on fumes. I don’t think it’s always this hard for moms- I genuinely feel some moms totally luck out with their hormones, feeding, babies, and their resources (aka family nearby). Also to add my husband was working out of town for a good chunk of the first year. He was gone for weeks on end and we didn’t know when he was coming home until the day of, and he would be home for 24 hours and go back. It was rough. Iris would only nap in my arms and would only wake up once at night, but would be up for 1-3 hours. I really had to isolate myself and fiercely protect my energy so I would survive another day. I lost a couple friends over it. It was still worth it. I was in survival mode.
5. Is there anything you didn’t get to do during the first year that you wish you had done more of?
MU: I wish we were able to travel a bit when Iris was smaller, but that was kind of out of our hands (we are going across the country for two weeks in July and I’m scaredddd!). And I wish I had been able to take my placenta pills in my early postpartum days but my Lactation Consultant advised against it due to my milk supply.
As far as things that were within our control, I wish I had asked for help more often (I’m getting better but it’s a struggle) and that I had been more on top of my self care- gotten massages, taken more baths, stuff like that. But what difference does that really make right now. All I can do is start prioritizing myself more from here on out!
6. What do you hope your motherhood journey will include next year?
MU: For the next year, I hope my motherhood journey brings me balance. Balance between work and play, between caring for my baby and caring for myself, between the facets of my entrepreneurial career. I’ve always struggled with balance but now that I’m a mom and I have to be more structured, I’m really hoping I can find that. I want to have a ton of fun as a family- lots of outings, lots of new words and new experiences for Iris! I want to have my cake and eat it too!
7. What are you most excited for, for the coming years ahead raising daughter?
MU: Short term- I’m so excited for her to be walking and talking! We’re going to try out cloth diapering for the rest of our diaper journey and I’m excited for that! Iris is so easy now and she’s getting so fun- we’re really looking forward to all the fun this summer brings us!
Long term- I’m looking forward to completing our family with a second child in a couple years. I think it will be very interesting to see Iris as a big sister and to experience the newborn stage again now that I kind of know what I’m doing.
I’m also super excited to watch Iris learn and grow- and to have a little helper at my side! To have conversations with her, and also- for her to understand Santa! I’m pretty extra with my attention to detail and my longing to make everything absolutely magical for my children.
8. And what are you most dreading?
MU: Is it bad to say I want to get my next pregnancy over and done with? I had killer SPD from 21 weeks until the end and I heard it gets worse with each pregnancy. I’m definitely dreading that.
As far as Iris... hmm. I don’t know that I’ve ever thought about anything regarding my future with her and dreaded anything. I hope and pray that she doesn’t smear her poop, I’m terrified for her to puke real vomit, and I pray almost daily for her to have a long and healthy life with us by her side. I guess I dread the hypothetical, anxiety thoughts more than real things that are bound to happen... if that makes sense.
9. What is your number one biggest takeaway from surviving your first year of motherhood?
MU: Just one?! I need three!
-If your child is safe, loved, happy, and fed nothing else matters. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Your baby doesn’t care what you or your house look like. And they won’t die if they refuse a meal here and there. Somehow my picky, sometimes needs to be “force-fed” baby is still in the 60th percentile for weight. It’s all good.
-Nothing lasts forever. If it did, people would never have a second, third, fourth, etc. child. The postpartum pain/bleeding didn’t. The 4 month sleep regression didn’t. The constant, ear buzzing pterodactyl screeching didn’t. The constipation phase didn’t. The tantrums don’t. The really hard days end. And her picky eating is already getting better so, yay!
-Once your needs are met, and you start getting more sleep, you will be a better mom and the difference in your motherhood experience will astound you. I was sooooo against sleep training Iris but we eventually reached a breaking point where I was going crazy and she was showing signs of being ready to sleep train. It took one hour of checking in every 5 minutes. My life did a 180 that day. I don’t even know how to describe the difference it made. I was an angry mom (because I was so run down and that’s how it came out). I actually call myself a good mom now. In fact, I’m a bomb ass mommy and I don’t even care if I sound full of myself saying that. I worked damn hard to get where I’m at now!
10. If you could give new moms one piece of advice, what would it be?
MU: You will get unsolicited advice all the time. I’ve caught myself giving it to friends too. It’s because I care and I want you to learn from my mistakes and know things that I didn’t. That’s probably why others give it too. Remember what is said and put it in your back pocket if you need it later.
But do what feels right for you and your family and do it unapologetically. You’re not raising my kid, you’re raising yours. All kids, parents, and families are different. And please, for the love of all things wonderful, if you need advice, ask for it. The mamas in your life love you and want to share their wisdom with you. I promise.
Thank you so much for your time, answering these questions Mama Unicorn. And welcome to the Wild Mothering family.
—Next time you hear from Mama Unicorn, she will be sharing her experiences and tips for travelling with a little.
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