Whether you have had a baby or not, chances are you have heard of post-partum depression. Most of us have heard about it from family or news outlets posting about a mom who “went crazy” and drown her kids in the bathtub. We can all agree that PPD has not been painted in a positive light, but it also hasn’t been painted accurately. Yes, there have been stories of women who have harmed their children or themselves but that isn’t what PPD looks like for every woman who has suffered or is suffering through it. There are so many changes going on in a woman’s body after she gives birth, let alone having to suffer silently with the baby blues, depression, anxiety, OCD or even Psychosis.
I used to consider myself extremely lucky to have not been diagnosed with PPD after the birth of my little one. It was almost a badge of honor to make it past the 4th trimester without being diagnose. I used to see other mothers struggle with those demons and be grateful that I didn’t feel “that bad”, that being said life after birth wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. While I was never diagnosed, I definitely had some signs that fell under the category of “I should probably seek some help”, that I should have spoken to my Doctor about. Honestly, I wish I would have but I was evaluating how I felt against how my depression normally appears. See I have suffered from depression on and off since as early as 10 years old, and while I am very familiar with my depression I never felt like “she” was around when it came to my post partum period. I expected her, I waited for her to rear her ugly head, I anticipated how I would deal with her unwelcomed appearance long before we even talked about having kids. But it was like the symptoms I was having were completely separate from how I usually felt when “she” was around, and for that reason I never spoke to my doctor about how I was feeling. I even fudged the “are you depressed” quiz that the health nurses make you take because I wasn’t ready to deal with how I was feeling. Like I said I am very familiar with my depression, her and I go way back, but I wasn’t about to let her taint this beautiful image I had of being a new mother. Looking back now I was so consumed with the need to control EVERYTHING, and anyone who didn’t agree with me and my birth preferences, my breastfeeding choices, my sleeping choices… if someone was against me, they were the enemy. I put up this wall between my friends and family when in all reality I needed their help. I felt like if they couldn’t agree with my choices as a mother how could I trust them with my deepest darkest, most shameful thoughts? Inside I was fighting a war that no one was in but myself and while I was never diagnosed, I should have sought out the help that I needed and figured out a way to explain to my community of loved ones what I truly needed.
Having a chance to open up about this topic and look back has brought up some realities that I didn’t want to acknowledge while I was going through it. There were some really hard times where I was so sure that I was not okay, and I felt completely out of control with my own thoughts and emotions. I remember feeling like a ball that was bouncing from one emotion to the next and then back again. I had to be in control of something while I felt so out of control, so I controlled my appearance of being a healthy happy new mom. I didn’t fool everyone obviously but I thought I did a good enough job that people wouldn’t ask me if I was truly okay. I wasn’t in control of my emotions or my thoughts or my hormones and I just need to grasp onto something, and that became my image. I remember talking to my husband about wanting to commit myself for a 72 hour hold because I felt like I was going insane. But in that same day I told every person I was fine, I posted pictures of my happy cute baby and then sat in the shower and cried and screamed until I ran out of tears and was too exhausted to care. I was on a roller coaster that would take me from the highest moments of making that little girl laugh and I would think about how blessed I was to have this tiny human in my life, to these extreme lows where I wanted to walk out of my house barefoot and in pajamas, leave my baby and never come back. I knew I wasn’t myself but I was too ashamed to admit it. It disgusts me to think back at how much I struggled and how defensive I got around not wanting to be labeled with PPD. But in reality, I should have gotten help and I regret that I didn’t do anything about it.
As an early first-time mother there are so many questions and thoughts and concerns running through our ever-exhausted brains that it is very easy to get overwhelmed and consumed by our thoughts.
Are we bonding enough? Is a soother bad? What if I shower and don’t hear her scream? Do I love her enough? Do I have enough motherly instinct to wake up if my baby chokes in their sleep? Oh no what if they die in their sleep and I was the awful mother who didn’t wake up and I could have saved her ?!?!?!? We are exhausted, not just from sleep depravation but from our mind and our body running on survival mode. With the chances of developing depression increasing 3.34 times in women who suffer poor sleep quality (according to a 2016 article published in the Journal of Research in Medical Sciences) it’s no wonder that new mothers are affected with increasing cases of depression. Tack on hormonal changes, lack of support systems, the stigma and shame that surrounds mental health, it’s not wonder it takes so long for women to seek help (if they do at all).
Mama Bear and I wanted to be just a small drop in a pond of normalizing and breaking down the stigma around maternal mental health. So, we opened the conversation and we asked some mamas about their own experiences and what they felt was missing and what we needed more of from each other. In general, most the women we talked to took months (even up to a full year), from the onset of their depression to seek out help. A lot of the reasons why, were centered around fears; fear of someone taking their baby, or having on their file that they were an “unfit parent” or to be told it wasn’t that bad. When asked what women needed during that time, there was an overwhelming response of needing love and understanding. Some of the responses we had of what women needed were; an understanding ear, patience, more awareness of PPD, more breaks, to be heard, to have more confidence in their ability to get through the day and of course more hugs! Now I only spoke to a small sample of mothers but if every single one of them needed more love (in one way or another) then I think normalizing your own story and giving another mother what you needed when you were going through it, is a great place to start. One small act could mean so much to a new mom.
You might be thinking, “okay that’s great and all but what can I actually do to help?”. Whether you are the spouse, the grandparent, the aunt, the best friend, the neighbour or the skip the dishes guy, here are a few things you can do to help a fellow mama out.
1) Realize that NOT EVERY MAMA IS THE SAME AND WE ALL NEED DIFFERENT THINGS, SO ASK! Read that again; ASK WHAT SHE NEEDS! She might not be able to tell you but that fact that you ask and genuinely want to know what you can do to help and support her will make her feel heard.
2) When she expresses her feelings don’t brush them away with nonspecific ingenuine compliments. “What do you mean?! You’re a great mom!”, I know the intent is to make her feel better (or some times you might not know what else to say) but it just validates her feelings of not being heard, or that her concerns are invalid and then usually the feeling of guilt is added to her pile of worries and emotions.
3) Don’t just ask about the baby. Everyone is excited to know all the detail about this new tiny little human, but remember that mama is going through a lot right now too. Make sure to ask about her and to honestly try to understand how she is feeling. Just because she expresses that she is frustrated with something does NOT mean she is looking for a solution. More times than not we are just looking for someone to talk to about anything other than how cute the baby is.
4) Don’t be a guest be a contributor. When it comes to visiting the baby, you have to remember a few things. Don’t visit if you are sick, always wash your hands before touching the baby, and respect the damn mother! She is exhausted, her hormones are going wild, there is a river of blood in her pants and enough pads to clog a beaver dam (ha ha), the last thing she should be doing is making sure you have a drink in your hand. A great rule of thumb is to visit (only when the mother says she’s up for it), bring food, wash her dishes or throw on a load of laundry, or do something to pull your own weight! There is a price tag to get baby snuggles lady, and it’s paid in casserole dishes and chores. She pushed out a baby, the least you could do is push a broom around.
All of that being said, if you are going through any PPMD I want you to know you’re not alone. I can’t say that it’s all going to be okay, but I do know for certain that you are not alone. Most importantly you have to know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT! You are not a bad person, you are not a bad mother and you should not punish yourself for not meeting your own high expectations. For the love of God have grace with yourself, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Stop feeling guilty and inadequate, you did the best you could with what you had. You are NOT BROKEN for having depression, you are not useless and the world is NOT better off without you. Read that again… YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! Repeat: I AM NOT BROKEN! I have said those words to my husband too many times; I’m sorry I’m broken. But I’m not and neither are you. We all have the choice to change and do better, but that doesn’t mean we have to punish ourselves for the past or even the present. But we can’t do this alone, we have to share our stories one mama to another and begin to break down this wall and come out from behind the shadows and admit that this is going on behind the super cute pictures of our smiling children. We have a voice, and the number 1 thing I heard from others mamas was “I needed to know someone had been through it too. Then I knew I could talk about it”. So please share your voice, share your story, we would be honored to read it. One act of courage has the power to change the world.
You give no power to the unspeakable once you open your mouth.
So, what should someone look for? While everyone’s symptoms can look different and many may not be on this list, here are a few things you should be aware of. Here are some symptoms to look out for.
According to the Mayo Clinic symptoms of PPD can look like; -excessive crying - difficulty bonding - withdrawing from friends and family -inability to sleep -overwhelming fatigue -fear that you’re not a good mother -hopelessness, -feelings of worthlessness shame guilt or inadequacy -diminished ability to think clearly -severe anxiety -thoughts of harm to yourself or your baby and recurring thoughts of death or suicide
If you are having any of these symptoms don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor, they know you and your situation best.
Remember…don’t forget to check on your “strong” friends.
With Love, and lots of Hugs Mama Wolff