Before our daughter was born, I was fortunate enough to be able to step away from my job and focus on my pregnancy and life with a new baby. Each family and situation are different but for us, that meant that I would stay home with our new tiny human. Being a stay at home mom has its ups and downs just like working moms. I don’t believe one is “better” since each family knows what they need better than someone on the internet.
For me the “ups” we amazing, I was able to watch her grow and develop and not miss a single thing. I was able to be the first person to feed her solids and develop our routine. I was even able to fly across the country and surprise my best friend with an 8-month-old on my lap, without ever having to ask someone for time off. Being a stay at home mom is such a blessing, one that I try not to take for granted.
While I was very grateful to have this opportunity, I found myself feeling like I was drowning in the weight of it all. I felt I had to inform my husband what I did all day while he was at work, as if he was my boss. I felt guilty about spending “his money” when in reality it was ours. I would blame myself for the house not being clean, or having it clean and then my tornado of a toddler would come by and mess it all up again. I took personal responsibility for the way my house looked and apologized everytime someone came over… and I felt burdened. I felt like I was losing myself, and I honestly fantasized about running away from home. Do you remember in Sex and the City when Carrie wanted to sell her apartment but ended up keeping it so that Charlotte could use it as her quiet place and get away from the kids? I wanted that. I didn’t actually want to leave my incredible husband (who was trying as hard as he could to understand) and my beautiful, full of life little girl. I just wanted some peace and quiet and room to think!
I think a lot of moms get like this, but I think SHMs have this image that they have to be SO HAPPY because they get to stay home with their kids. Which is an absolute blessing and has many incredible moments of happiness but it isn't always sunshine. Almost feeling like if we dare to speak about our hard days that we will be shut down with comments like “well at least you get to spend time with your kids”. It seems like in this world of SHM vs Employed Moms, there is no “winning” for either side. So what the hell are we supposed to do?
My husband could see that I was struggling and he would always ask if he could help (like I said he is a great man!). He would take her while I took a bath, which wasn’t very helpful to me because I could still hear what was going on outside the door. I would also go for a walk when he got home from work, but that was only a temporary Band-Aid. He would take her out to do errands and leave me at home by myself, and that started to work. I was able to catch up on things, whether that was house work or my own personal projects or even some relax time. We started to recognize that I needed to physically be alone to reduce my stress. He has his garage where he can be alone and crank his music while he works on different projects and that makes him happy. I didn’t have an escape like that.
So, we started trying weekly coffees with myself. I would go out for coffee every Sunday and sit with a book and a hot coffee, listen to music and spend way too much time scrolling through social media. It was nice, it was peace and quiet even in a coffee shop with other people. But as I would begin to feel like I could breathe again and my coffee would come to an end I would start to feel this tightening in my chest again. I knew that I wasn’t able to get anything done at home. I would be coming home to the same mess or maybe even worse. Nothing was actually accomplished and I began to feel guilty. So, before I was even home, I was starting to feel this burden on my shoulders again, which wasn’t helping anybody. I wasn’t sure what would help, nothing seemed to last longer than a few hours or until the end of the day.
Each new day it began again and I knew I had to change things. There were two big pivotal changes that have drastically helped our family resolve this issue. Because let’s be honest when a person is that stressed, they can’t be this happy cheerful person for everyone else all the time. I was snapping at my husband and yelling at my daughter, I had to fix things because my stress was spilling out onto everyone else around me. I would cancel hangouts with friends, I would be snarky with my mom or ignore her calls. I wasn’t a nice person to be around and it was because I had no way of controlling my stressors and I didn’t have any solutions that were constantly working for me.
Until a friend of mine suggested some incredible books (I will list them at the bottom). Some on parenting, some on my own personal growth and learning how to manage my own emotions appropriately. Also communicating with my husband when a) it’s not about him and b) what I need when I am in high stress moments.
The biggest thing that helped though, was when a friend of mine opened up her Day Home. She had it for a while but she had advertised that she was looking for some more kids. So, I got curious and asked her what that would look like. I wanted to know if it was even a possibility to be able to drop her off and how much that would affect our budget and what would work for us and our family. She was incredible, she lived close enough for me to walk, she was flexible and honest and has become Miss Moons favorite place to go. She will wake up in the morning and scream the names of the kids she gets to play with. Our little one is so excited to be there and it fills my heart.
She is able to learn certain things that only being in a group of other children can teach her. Things like sharing and social skills or even potty training. She also picks things up from other kids like eating foods she wouldnt eat at home. She was able to easily transition into a big girl bed at home because that is was she sleeps in at the Day Home.
While she is only there once a week I have seen so much benefit from her going that it made the decision to keep taking her there so much easier. It was also a huge benefit for me. Having one day a week dedicated specifically just to myself and what I want to do has done so much for me as a parent. I have my patience, more empathy, more quality time with my daughter, and most importantly I'm a better mom because I've taken care of myself.
That one day a week might be filled with cleaning the house, home projects, working on the blog, going to the gym, taking a nap, baking cookies or anything I feel like I need to do to lighten my load. It is a day where I can focus on what I need. As corny as it sounds, you cant fill from an empty cup. This one day a week fills my cup. Deciding to do this wasnt easy. I had feelings of guilt coming out the wazoo. She would cry when I would leave her there and it broke my heart. But she got over it and so did I. Now she doesnt even say good bye to me, she is too excited to be with her friends and play.
Having this one thing has helped me in multiple areas, even in my marriage. I want to be the best example I can be for my kids. Snapping at my family and swearing and ultimately not having the energy to practise emotional control wasn't healthy, and it was not the example i wanted to set.
I'm not saying it's for everyone, but if you or your loved ones are struggling (SHM or not) finding what works for you to feel like you can breath again is life changing.
As I mentioned I would leave some book suggestions at the end that personally really helped me. Take it or leave it, it's up to you. Either way I hope you find what brings you peace 💕.
Mama Wolff 🐺
- How to talk so little kids will listen by Faber & King
- Love and respect in the family by Emerson Eggerichs
- The 5 Love Languages of Children by Chapman & Campbell
- Boundaries and Boundaries with Kids by Cloud & Townsend
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