This has always been a sensitive topic and one that I have been on both sides of the fence, for and against. Recently there have been many posts that have come up on my social media (funny how that happens when this topic was picked out months ago!) saying something like “DON’T ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS GOING TO HAVE KIDS!”. Honestly, I get it, it’s a sensitive subject and the message is usually along the lines of “my body, my choice”.
Even before the idea of starting a blog came into my life, I have had many women share with me their own struggles around having a baby. Try being in a global “trying to conceive group” and you will see all kinds of heartbreaking journeys of women who struggle to get pregnant. There’s no doubt that it is a sensitive subject, whether someone is trying to have their first child, their fifth or has no desire to be a parent at all. It’s personal and sensitive and brings up a lot of emotions when it’s talked about. Which is why I wanted to talk about it and wanted to hear from you.
Do you like it when people ask? Or is it more about HOW someone asks you? Do you think it depends on the person asking? Do you ask other women? Or do you feel it's like the age old "if a woman is pregnant she will tell you, never ask even if she looks like shes going to pop" mentality? Share with us your experiences.
First off, I will say that I think in general these comments come from strangers more often than family but they still definitely come from both sides. I do believe that most people are just unaware of how those questions might be received and for the most part aren’t intentionally being assholes. If you have asked those questions to other women and have felt the icy cold stare back at you, you know how easy it is to overstep without meaning to. Sometimes the topic is too painful for a woman to be vulnerable and open up to you about what she is going through, especially if you are a stranger. Some times its really none of your damn business. No matter the reason, the way we ask the question but more importantly how we respond to the answer is what we need to be more aware of. If a friend or a sister or a stranger on the street tells you why they have chosen to be done having kids, have more kids but struggle, don’t want kids at all it is our job (since we asked the damn question) to allow that personal story of hers to land on safe ears. I mean ZERO judgment, because after all it really isn’t your body, your life, your finances or your marriage. We are all walking around with some kind of hurt going on inside of us, so if we decide to release some of that hurt it means that there was a moment of trust that allowed us to think that we had a safe place to talk about it, don’t fuck that up.
If a woman has PCOS, if she lost a child, if she had a miscarriage, if she can’t afford it, or had a traumatizing birth, if she had a hysterectomy or her tubes tied, or any health challenges that are elevated by pregnancy, if she suffered extreme mental health issues post-partum or has a family history she doesn’t want to pass on to another person and she is willing to divulge some of that to you, you better be grateful that she chose you to be a trusted and safe place for her. The other side of the coin is if she is going through something and chooses NOT to share with you, that is her business. It is not your job to decided what someone tells you about their life. That all being said you might be wondering, well then why do you ask other mothers if they want kids or are planning on having more?
For me, it’s because I’ve been there. I have struggled with my own issues in the past where I didn’t know if I could ever have kids, and we wanted a big family. I have been that person who has seen their friends post their announcement photos on social media, and I’ve attended baby showers, all while trying to keep it together and not break down crying.
There was this one time that still makes me emotional to this day to think about. I can still feel the pain and the hurt I had for myself and my “failing body”. We had gone to a New Years Eve party and this was only a few months after having surgery on my cervix, we didn’t know if we could have kids and we would both tear up just at the sight of a baby. While at this party I knew I would be a little emotional as one of my good friends was newly pregnant but not a lot of people knew. I thought I could handle it because I didnt think she would be announcing to everyone as it was still early. She did, and at this party 2 other women announced that they were also pregnant! I definitely wasn’t in a big party mood after that, and it’s not like they did anything wrong! They were just so happy and I didn’t know if I would ever get to say those words and announce to everyone that we would have a child. On the way home in the dark I broke down, like I mean to my core. I was so vulnerable and so exposed, I was shaking and drowning in waterfall of my tears. My husband just held my hand and cried with me. I was bawling my eyes out because I wanted to be a mother so bad it felt like a kick in the stomach. I screamed to the universe “Why can’t I be a Mom? What did I do wrong? Why am I not worthy? I would give so much love! What is wrong with me!?”. Then came one of the hardest things my husband ever heard me say… “I am sorry I am broken; I am sorry you had to marry someone who was broken”. I hated feeling like I failed my husband, that as a wife I couldn’t give him the one thing that I wanted to give him. I felt like I had failed.
This was just one of the many moments we went through on our journey. And even though it was so personal, we both needed a strong shoulder to cry on. We couldnt do that for each other forever. In those moments I needed someone to hear me. My husband is an incredible man, but there was no way that I could expect him to carry my grief. We had to let go of the idea (slowly over time) that we might never have our own children. That grieving process was raw and emotional and even though I didn’t want to talk about it with every John, Dick and Harry I still needed someone to hear me, like actually hear me. I NEEDED someone to hold my hand and let me cry without inputting their own opinions or uplifting words. At the time my close loved ones were also grieving, the loss of the idea of grandchildren or a niece, so I went into preservation mode and took care of everyone else’s needs first instead of my own. I could see it wearing on my husband’s face, the look that he gave me when he didn’t know what to say to me because he was also grieving. It was a hard time for us and honestly the most testing years of our marriage were in that valley. But what I needed most was to know that I wasn’t alone.
I ended up finding women in TTC groups who were like me, who had similar stories and while it felt great to have a place to openly talk about it, I still felt like I was speaking into a void. I needed that human experience, to know that I wasn’t alone and that I had a safe place to talk about it. Even with a friend or loved one who would just hold me and not worry about saying the right thing, just say “thank you for trusting me/feeling comfortable enough to talk to me about what you are struggling with”. I think in some way, a lot of people need that. Maybe not to the emotional extent but even just for a stranger to acknowledge how you are feeling without jumping down your throat at the first opportunity to speak.
The funny thing about that New Years, is that the following Christmas I got to tell my Husband and my family that we were pregnant! It is truly amazing how much a can change in a year. We had our doubts and our fears going into parenthood and just experiencing pregnancy as a whole but we were so grateful to have been given the chance. If I could share the video of my mother’s explosive reaction you would probably cry. She was so proud to tell everyone that she was going to be a Grandmother, because that meant that her daughter was healthy. Those joyful moments are ones that I hold so dear to my heart, because it means that when another woman trusts me enough to share her own story, I have the ability relate and potentially give her hope. At the very least it gives me a chance to have a safe listening ear for her to talk to.
I'm not saying everyone needs someone to hold their hand, some women need to avoid talking about it because it's still so raw to them. The point of asking isn't to be rude, or force them to talk about it. The point of asking is to give someone an open door of safety to walk through IF they so choose to. Mama Bear & I are all about community and being able to lean on other women instead of constantly comparing and competing with each other. The reason I ask women personal questions is to give them a chance to feel included, heard, respected and seen.
There is true power in telling your story, when you do you are able to find others who have felt the same way and have over come it, or it allows you to share with someone else how you got through it. Your story is powerful even if it seems dark, sometimes we need someone who has been in the dark to show us that it isn't as scary as we imagine.
To steal a quote from Mama Bear "We can -and should- ask questions. We just can’t and shouldn’t be assholes about it. 💕"
So if you need someone to talk to, we are always here. Coffee is hot and the play rooms open!
Next time someone asks, if it bothers you say so. But keep in mind they might not know they are stepping on your toes and they might have different intentions than you think.
Mama Wolff
Xoxo
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