This is why I baby wear
Recently I have come across more posts than usual pertaining to mothers and their boundaries. For some reason a lot of mothers (including mama bear and I) are not taken seriously when we say NO. Whether it's not holding our new born, not bottle feeding them while we are trying hard to develop a breastfeeding relationship, or just straight up not listening to us when we say No about anything regarding our own child, people just seem to not be listening.
I'm not sure why I (as a birth mother) can grow an entire human inside my own body, labour for 4 days, push for 2 and a half hours and go through the most testing experience of my life and feel like a total bad ass, but I cant be taken seriously when it comes to the rules and boundaries of my own child? I'm not sure why strangers and loved ones seem to feel like they know what's best but it seems like every mother I have talked to has experienced some form of disrespect and not being heard when we say NO.
Don’t get me wrong, in most instances people generally don’t mean any harm or disrespect at all, but sometimes that isn’t the case. Either way I think it is important to talk about since I have had almost every mother I know, tell me a story about when a loved one or a stranger did not listen when they said No. Let me preface this by saying that I can almost guarantee that I have been that person to someone else at some point without knowing. I have also been in the situation where I have ASKED to help or hold a crying baby while a friend seemed overwhelmed and I was told NO. Do you know what happened? I respected her wishes, felt a little awkward and we moved on with our conversation. I didn’t get upset, that wasn’t my baby. I wasn’t offended that she thought I couldn’t calm her baby, BECAUSE IT WASN’T MY BABY TO CALM!
As mothers we are all trying to raise our children in a world that talks a lot about being offended. So, it isn’t a surprise that when someone is stepping over our boundaries that we feel like we need to let them do it, or else we risk offending someone. Or we are afraid to set those boundaries because we are afraid that some how setting our own personal boundaries will piss someone off. It truly AMAZES me how many times I see in a Facebook group or a chat thread woman sharing how they feel trapped between saying something or staying quiet. Wondering if they are overreacting. Usually the biggest influences of that trapped feeling, come directly from family members.
But it can also be strangers. I can remember distinctly when my little one was born; she was maybe 7 days old at this point and we were in Costco. It was like my mother spidy senses went up as I was waiting in line, I could just FEEL someone’s eyes lock onto me. Then sure enough from 3 lines away and about 8 people back, this woman is literally saying “excuse me” to people as she squeezes between carts to come up to me. I thought if I ignored her and maybe give some RBF, she wouldn’t come closer but boy was I wrong. She snuck up from behind me and REACHED INTO MY STROLLER TO TOUCH MY BABY! No Hello, how are you, what a cute baby, how old is she, may I squeeze her? My mind was on fire, I thought I can NOT punch an old lady (even though that was my first instinct) …wtf do I do? I was an exhausted hormonal mess who was wearing an adult diaper while covered in baby vomit and here was this strange old lady grabbing at my baby. My husband was in the bathroom and I just felt so vulnerable! I wanted to scream at her but I also didn’t want to cause a scene in the packed Costco line up. While I didn’t respond with how angry I was inside, I still made my point clear. I said “excuse me” in a rude voice and pushed her hand away while also placing myself in front of the stroller as close and I could with my back turned to her and moved up as close I could to the next person in line. Her daughter came by and collected her mother who’s jaw I swear was on the floor. I could hear her say “you can’t just touch someone else’s baby mom”.
Now I understand that for the most part people have good intentions and are not purposely trying to be an arse, but I think it's time that it is said. Because I hear it all the time "I need to vent because I can’t talk to so and so or they will get upset".
IF A PARENT SAYS NO, THE ANSWER IS NO. PERIOD!
- If the mother doesn’t want visitors, the answer is No - If she wants to breast feed, do not secretly feed the baby formula behind her back
- Do Not grab/touch/pinch a stranger's baby, if it's someone you know... ASK
- If the parents say that their kid cant have juice, sweets, coffee or whatever do NOT feed it to them behind their back, and especially don’t tell the kid "don’t tell your parents" (This is a whole other problem in itself regarding safety of a child)
- When a child is crying for mom, it is not your job to say "no I'll calm him down" while the mother is trying to take their child out of your arm
- I cant believe I have to say this… but DON’T KISS A BABY! I know they are cute and we “can’t help it” but trust me, kisses can be deadlier than you think
- If a mother wants to do things differently than her mother did, that is not an attack on her mothers ability to raise her. Just because a mother chooses to raise her children differently than her mother raised her, does not mean she is doing it as a personal attack. (I have heard this the most from other mothers)
- If a mother wants to sleep train or co-sleep or bed share with her toddler. That's none of your business.
- If a mother says No to going out for any reason, it is not your job to guilt trip her or convince her to "get out of the house"
- If parents want to feed their children their first foods please dont do it behind their backs. This is also a common theme from other mothers that I hear frequently
These were just some of the examples that I have heard from other mothers. So, if this is just a small sample, why are we continuing to let this happen? At what point do we stand up for our NO and our boundaries, whether or not we come across as a bitch or offensive? When will we realise that WE are the parents, WE grew the tiny human, WE are the primary influences in our children’s lives? So ladies, if another mother has the courage to say NO, thank her. Tell her how much you appreciate her setting boundaries and enforcing them. It isn’t easy for every person to do that. Also, if you know a friend is struggling with saying NO, ask her if she wants your help saying it. Also, to every person out there, we know you mean well but please respect the NO!
NO applies to everything, No means No. It's not that hard to understand. Also if you are ever unsure the best thing you could do is ASK the parents.
Mama Wolff 🐺
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