Please...someone, somewhere tell me that you got the Mean Girls reference in the title?
I think it was around the time my daughter was 8 weeks old when I got the first comment about having another child. ”I bet you can’t wait for mommy to give you a baby brother or sister.” At the time I was still recovering from major surgery, having just had my child cut out of me. I was still bleeding some days, and my mental stability was...well it wasn’t the strongest. As for my daughter, all she cared about was cuddles and when her next milkies session was coming. She couldn’t care less about a sibling, or knew what it even meant to have a baby brother or sister.
She is going to be a year old this summer and the comments, requests, demands, guilt trips have not stopped coming. Despite how vocal and clear I have been on not having another child. I was giving myself until my daughters first birthday to make the final decision on whether or not to have another, but with every day I am only more content and firm with the choice to be ‘one and done’. That’s what is local parents of only children call ourselves, by the way.
The changes that a woman’s body, mind and soul go through during pregnancy, childbirth and after is not something that should be taken so lightly. It affects her entire existence. From the people she has in her life, to the way she spends her days and her money...it’s asking a lot. And yet, it’s brushed aside like it’s no big deal. Like having children is as simple as a factory worker standing at an assembly line.
A couple starts dating, and everyone asks; ”When will you get engaged?” Then they get married, and suddenly it’s; “When will you start a family?” And no sooner has the first child been born, the request for more children start rolling in. What is up with this peer pressure to procreate? Is it wired into people like a biological strand to continue the human race? Is it simply just people liking the sound of their own voice, or being nosy? I don’t get it. Anyone who’s a parent can tell you how tough this parenting gig is. Yes, it’s beautiful and rewarding, and all that jazz. But not everyone is cut out for it. Not everyone wants it.
What people need to understand is that complete families come in all shapes and sizes. Two unmarried people living together in love and harmony make a complete family. A woman and her dog make a complete family. A couple with five kids make a complete family. And, a couple with one child, make a complete family. At any stage in a persons life, their family can be complete, if they feel happy and content. There is no perfect number we all must meet to achieve the ‘perfect’ family. Gone are the days of white picket fences and picturesque families of four. Not even on tv do we see this often nowadays.
I recently got together with a mom friend of mine to have some adult conversation and have our littles meet. She recalled saying how people would approach her and tell her how lucky she was to have ‘the perfect family’. She has a little boy and a little girl. It’s a sweet sentiment, but does that mean that a boy mom with two sons is not perfect? Or the couple that blessed with three daughters is not perfect? Or that Baby Bear, my husband and I are missing something? (The answer is NO, by the way.)
Unless the person pressuring the couple to have another child wants to step up and pay for everything to do with that child, carry it and birth it— they need to back off. It’s one thing to ask a couple if they want more children out of genuine curiosity. But it is another thing entirely to pressure them with large or old fashioned family values. I cannot count the number of times that I have someone come to my daughter and say; “Tell mommy you want a little sister or brother? Mommy should give you someone to play with.”
I can say with confidence right now, all my daughter cares about is having mommy and daddy all to herself. If she ever does ask for a sibling, we will explain our choice in an age appropriate way. That we wanted to keep our love all for her. That she was enough for us, and we felt like our family was complete as a triangle.
Especially if you want to give them anything extra aside from food, basic clothing, and shelter, kids are darn expensive. They grow out of things faster than you can purchase them. Toys become boring or obsolete. The bigger the family, the bigger the home, the higher the bills. The more work needed, which equals more time away from the children you brought into the world. So now you need to work extra to pay for more childcare. And don’t even get me started on the cost of putting your child in sports. Or going on family vacations. Or even out to the zoo on a weekend.
It makes my blood boil some days the pressure people have put on myself and others to have more kids. As if creating and raising a new human life is no big deal. Not to mention the emotional strain you could be putting on the person(s) by asking. Perhaps the mother had a very hard pregnancy, or a traumatizing birth. Perhaps she is suffering from a postpartum mental illness and is barely keeping it together, Perhaps the thought of adding another little soul to the mix makes her feel crazy. Perhaps they tried and have suffered miscarriage and the pain of loss is too much so they don’t want to try anymore.
You don’t know why a woman isn’t having another child at this moment in their lives. And it is none of your business. Mind your own uterus. No woman needs someone telling her to have another child. If she wants one, and it is what’s right for her family...you can be sure that two wanting and willing people will have another baby all on their own without any prompting.
Women are not required to spend their lives getting pregnant and birthing children. They can do it zero times and be happy. They can do it once and be happy. They can do it twice, and be happy. The number of children that a woman has does not equate to her value as a human being. Yet, a lot of conversations had with women revolve around child bearing.
I am an only child. And I LOVED it. All of my life I was asked over and over;
“Arent you lonely?”
“Don’t you wish you had a sibling?”
“You must be so spoiled!”
People tried to make me feel bad my entire life, like I was missing out on something great. They would shame my mother for having only me. Even during the time she was a single mom.
What was the big damn deal with everyone? Why did it matter what we did with our lives? Was I not enough? Was loving me, not enough? Why did she need to have another child? What was so wrong with our life?
As a child, I loved that my mothers attention and time was solely mine. There was one nap time, one bedtime. One set of rules. No arguments about what to watch on television or who took who’s toy where. We read books, we sang songs, did crafts together. Even got to travel- something we could have done logistically with another mouth to feed. We had a nice life and I loved my childhood. It was full of love, adventure, place, exploration and education. All without a sibling.
Being an only child does not equal being a lonely kid.
As a teenager, I saw things a little more clearly. I saw that my mother only had to worry about one college fund, one sweet sixteen car, one prom dress. Etc, etc. That I could have these special things BECAUSE I was the only. The car (for the record) was an ‘89 Ford Tempo and was a hand me down. It was older than me. In case you want to call me out on being spoiled.
I look at my daughter now and I know I want to give her everything I had. And more. Isn’t that the point? To do better by your kid(s) then your parents did for you?
One child was a much easier financial burden then multiple for our family. Think of everything your child costs you, will cost you...and the double or triple it. Think birthday parties to go to, to host and throw yourself, Christmas presents, allowance for chores, more groceries to feed a larger family, more electricity and water and so on. Yes, of course it’s possible to save money...but not every where. And not all of the time.
What about childcare if you’re both working? One child might be doable and you’ll still have an income...but two, or three? Not the best financial choice for most, especially with how expensive childcare is.
Now, as an adult; I understand my mother a lot more being that I’m a mother myself. I see why she made the choices she did. That she did what was best for me, because she loved me. Our relationship isn’t perfect. We can fight of course. What mother and daughter agree on everything? But we’re a family. My daughter is her only grandchild. That’s a very special bond, made all the more special by the fact that there is just her. There is no shame in just one, as far as we are concerned. Sometimes, less is more. Sometimes less is easier to appreciate.
Family is not defined by the amount of people in it. It’s defined by the amount of love shared between those involved. (Read That Again.)
Growing up as an only, I had the time and space to use my imagination. To get comfortable with spending time alone. Acquiring independence skills early. I learned to trust and rely on myself. To appreciate the relationships I had with my friends and create an extended ‘chosen’ family. Spend quality one on one time with my grandparents. Seeing my cousins and friends was extra special.
My daughter is not lacking in family and people that love her because I was an only child. Or because she is. The guest list for her first birthday party (not including kids) is over 100 people. She has a HUGE support system and many people that love her.
It might have been nice to have a sibling...I’ll never know for sure what I missed out on. But I do know that I don’t wish I’d had one. I look back on my childhood with pleasure and fondness and appreciation. And even when all those people were demanding and judging my mother and I...I knew even then that it was alright to be an only. Any size family is alright as long as it works for that family!
I don’t think my mother made a mistake by giving life to only me. She is not less of a woman or less of a mother because she had only me.
All the time I grew up I said over and over that I wanted a little girl and that was it. Then my friends started having babies and I got pregnant and suddenly I wanted three! (Two boys and a girl- to be exact.) Then I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, and the reality of life with a child - even a perfectly well behaved, extremely gifted and gorgeous child like mine- reminded me why I only wanted one. And I went right back to it.
There are a lot of factors as to why I don’t want to have another child. As sure as I am, it’s true that my choice is not cut and dry, black and white. I would love to have a son. I still think about him sometimes when I see boy moms or those cute little suits for baby boys. Or I look at the Pinterest board I made for him with all the cool ideas of the pirate themed room that we would have made him. He has a name picked out too. A really cool, badass name. And nicknames to go with it.
But there are no guarantees I would even have a boy next time. Then what? Should I try a third time? Just to fulfill some fantasy? Because there is a difference between a dream, and a fantasy. I fantasize about living in New York or Paris, but really I couldn’t leaving everyone I know and love for that. It’s nice to daydream about, but it’s not a forever thing. I do feel a twinge of sadness somedays; the same way I feel sad when we go to a pet store and I can’t take all the puppies home. It would be nice, but it wouldn’t be logical. Children are a forever thing. Once you have them, you can’t change your mind.
Ultimately I believe that I owe it to myself, to my husband and the living breathing child I already brought into the world; to keep our family a perfect triangle.
I do want a life with more. That more just doesn’t include ‘more children’. I would rather give my daughter the wedding dress of her dreams, take her on amazing vacations, and feed her organic produce. I would rather get back to an adult life with my husband a little quicker. Nurture my adult friendships again with girls weekends or the occasional night out.
Saying yes to something, also means saying no to something else. Like choosing between our retirement fund and another college fund. We’d have to get a bigger home with a bigger car or another car. Why add unneeded pressure; scrimp and save to make it work and budget our minds out, eating cheap, cardboard food and worry more then we already do. If that’s not what we want.
I would most likely have to have another c-section, and the recovery from that with a toddler and a newborn is not ideal. I could wait until Baby Bear is older, but I don’t want to just be done breastfeeding, out of nursing clothes and over diapers and potty training, etc to start all over again. And dammit, I want my body autonomy back. I don’t think there is anything selfish or wrong with that. It’s my body, and that makes it my choice.
I love breastfeeding. I love contact napping and bedsharing. I love all the cuddles and being needed by someone. Loved by someone the way my daughter needs and loves me. But I’ve given myself completely over to my child this first year. I’m not complaining, as that was my choice. But eventually I want to be me a little more, and having one more child would prolong that.
I want to wear what I want without having to worry about it being breastfeeding friendly or postpartum flattering. I want to buy new shoes because none of mine fit now thanks to pregnancy and not have to worry about the painful feet swelling again. I want to workout, get my body the healthiest and strongest it can be, and then maintain that. Not start all over with a new postpartum body- especially given all the pain I still feel almost a year later.
I live with postpartum anxiety and it’s made life rough somedays. So I’d like to get my mind and my hormones in order, and recover from that as well instead of throwing my body through more changes, and starting from scratch. Only this time with a little girl tugging at my hand.
I want to be a hands on mother. I want to do crafts with my daughter, take her places, shower her with love. I want to teach her right from wrong. I want to teach her to love and respect herself. What it means to be a woman. I want to throw amazing parties for her. I want to be mentally engaged with her. I want to be the mother that I have always dreamed of being. I owe it to myself and my child to do my best job as a mother. And I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be the mother I want to be, or the mother she deserves with two or more children. I would be distracted, over worked and stressed out. That’s not the mother that I want to be.
BUT the biggest reason, the most important reason why I will not be having another child...I am happy with just one. I am complete with my daughter and my husband. At the end of the day; we are a perfect triangle, and I am excited to see where life is going to take us. Just the three of us.
A single woman with a cat make a family.
A single mom with two kids make a family.
Two married women with a house full of dogs, make a family.
A divorced couple that co-parent together but no longer live together make a family.
Two engaged men and their adopted daughter from China, make a family.
And Papa Bear and I; with our Baby Bear also make a family.
A complete one.
-Mama Bear 🐻