WELCOME TO WEEK 4!!
We did it. We made it. Yay!!!
*runs around the room throwing confetti*
We have one final topic to explore this month, and that topic is wellness beyond the concept of self. We are going to be discussing the right way to bring your partner on board the wellness train without alienating them. As w
ell as providing our children with the tools they need to start their self care journey early. (And the importance of setting a good example for them.)
If you are single or childless, this week is still for you. We will touch on wellness in the friend zone too! How you can incorporate your downtime with buddies/ gal pals and inspire your friends to give focus to their own care.
Here we go...!
COUPLES CORNER
I don’t know about you, but when I am in a relationship with someone I pick up a lot of their habits. I still remain who I am and like the things I like, but if someone I love and am close to is passionate about something, you can bet that 8/10 times I’m going to get my hands in there. Whether it’s just to support them in their endeavours or try to be part of their world by adopting their interests to one degree or another.
Remember what we talked about in social wellness? About how we become most like the people we spend the most time with? Well, if we have a partner, chances are, that partner’s behaviour is going to effect us in good or bad ways, depending on their choices. For example, I once dated an alcoholic. He spent nearly every weekend at the bar. So...I began to live that lifestyle. Following that, I dated an athlete. And suddenly I gave a damn about basketball. Neither of those lasted long term though.
The same thing happens when one half of a couple finds wellness. You see and feel the enlightenment, the positivity and the changes. It’s only natural to want the same for your life partner right? To help them. Guide them. But, you must tread carefully. Your partner may take your suggestions as a personal attack. Or as an implication that they are not good enough for you.
The best way to avoid this is to never pressure
them into changing. Wellness looks different to everyone, so there is a very good chance that the tools you used, may not work for them. You are not meant to be their therapist or instructor. As a partner, your main job is to inspire, support and uplift your partner. Perhaps they will see your changes and want the same improvements for themselves.
It’s easy to feel dragged down, or backwards by your partner if you’re making drastic life changes and they are not. Take an alcoholic couple for example. Say one person goes to rehab and AA meetings but the other continues to drink. It’s unfortunately more likely that the first person may relapse or the relationship dissolve, then the second addict to jump on board. But, there is a chance. That’s a fairly deep and drastic example.
Here’s a much lighter and more personal one. My husband loves video games. He loves them so much he could spend a full day playing them if life allowed him. I personally cannot stand staring at the screen for that long. Especially when I know there are ‘more important’ things to do. Like, be active at the gym for example.
So, in a scenario like that I have three choices.
1) go to the gym alone, which is a viable option but could potentially cause disconnect if repeated and done so with negative feelings from either side.
2) nag him to go to the gym with me- which he may or may not appreciate depending on his mood.
OR 3) continue to sit on the couch, next to him eating chips in an attempt to be close to him and do something ‘with’ him that he enjoys.
In either scenario, the wellness minded subject is stuck a bit between a rock and a hard place.
He or she may feel like they ‘know best’. But their partner cannot just jump onto the same page immediately. In cases of mild to medium resistance, you can request that your partner share their fears with you. Help them (and yourself) to understand why they may be resisting positive change. Encourage and invite them to be part of your wellness journey in small and big ways. When they do participate, verbally acknowledge their behaviour and reinforce it with appreciation and pride.
It’s good when you enter into a relationship to do so with a mission statement and joint goal for your future in life, but it is never too late to make one. If your current relationship is the one you want to be in till death do you part, Now is as good a time as any to open the book on living your best life; together.
For the person in the relationship with someone that is wellness focused, they may be feeling inadequate. Like their partner is outgrowing them. And the growth they see, may even be something they crave but the warmth of their comfort zone has such a tight hold on them. Partners need to know, and hear the reassurance from us that we are not trying to change who they are as a person. (First of all, we can’t.) We have simply found a more beautiful way to live life, and we want to share it with them. Because we love them, and we want them to me a part of it.
A Closing Note: Should you be in a serious situation like the alcoholic couple I described above, and your partner’s behaviour is a negative force in your life, ending the relationship may be an option you need to look into. Speak to a trusted individual for guidance on your specific situation.
KIDS CENTER
As a parent, one of our greatest and most challenging tasks is preparing our little humans for teen and adult hood. We mark their growth on milestone charts. We teach them to walk and talk and brush their teeth. We teach them the importance of love, respect and kindness. We show them how hard work pays off and that it’s important to have fun and laugh. (At least, we do our best, right?)
We care for them because we love them. We hope that one day they will grow up big and strong and wise. That they will be better people then we ever were. That they will love themselves and others the way that we love them. And an excellent way to do this, is to instil within our children the principals of wellness.
It is our duty before they leave our homes and go off into the world to (hopefully) have them know the following:
-how to successfully manage finances and take care of business
-how to respect and care for their belongings
-how to nurture, care and fuel their body
-how to work hard and find success in a field that supports their lifestyle and brings them joy
-how to identify their emotions, use their words to express themselves in a respectful way and be empathetic to the people around them
-to care for their mental health and to know how and when to reach out in the event they struggle
-that they must never stop trying and learning and growing as individuals
-to know they are not alone in this world, that they are part of something bigger and that their lives impact the world around them
-that they must surround themselves with people that inspire and uplift them
-that they must set boundaries with the world around them
-that they must build healthy and strong habits to help them make decisions that will benefit their lives in the long term
Phew....no big deal right?
All that is definitely something that can be easily accomplished in less then 18 years between sports practice, getting 8 hours of sleep a night and taking care of yourself, your spouse and occasionally putting the laundry away....
But that is why the importance of wellness from a young age is so...well, important. The better we do at preparing the next generation for life, the better their lives will be. And their children’s lives. And their children’s children, etc. You get my point. And there are two ways we do this.
The number one way, is to set the example. Allow our children to see us prioritize our wellness and self care. Allow them to see us fail, and get back up. Allow them to see us be weak, and strong and brave and scared.
Allow them to see us support others, accept support and set boundaries with the people that need them.
Allow them to see us ask for help when we need it. And to help ourselves when we’d rather sit for another few hours of Netflix binging. (Or whatever is going to be cool in the next fifty years.)
The second way, is to set them up for success to the best of our abilities. The Montessori approach to teaching children prepares them for the real world through hands on learning in the early years of development. An example of this is setting up the bathroom with a stool so that they can reach their toothbrush and toothpaste without assistance. Or to have a mirror and clothes at their level so they may dress themselves. Instilling our little people, not only with independence, but with the confidence to accomplish things with limited assistance from a trusted adult is a wonderful way to inspire them to reach for new heights in life.
Our children are born wonderful, pure and full of light. We are blessed with the responsibility to polish that light and keep it flowing. To create a harmonious environment for them to grow up in of love and support. When a child knows that they are trusted and believed in, they trust and believe in themselves.
Just like with your spouse, the wellness practices that work for you, may not work for them. Depending on physical and mental maturity, make sure you include them in the conversation about their self care. Let them know what you are teaching them any why. For example, going outside and getting fresh air is good for their lungs, but it’s also important to know that when you are feeling overwhelmed by something; a new environment can bring peace of mind.
Don’t rush or pressure them. Allow them to grow and learn at their own pace. It can be easier to just tie their shoes or zip their jackets for them, but whenever you can, make sure to give them the space and time to do it themselves. Encourage their minds to work and develop. Use intentional and inspiring dialogue. Instead of saying,
“You need to wear a jacket because it is cold outside.”
Ask, “When I look out the window I see it is windy and snowing. What should we wear to protect our body from the cold?”
This gives your child the opportunity to problem solve the situation and put care of self at the forefront of his mind.
Have structure and routines, but don’t forget to have fun and make memories. Be present with your children when you are with them. Quality time is far more valuable for their development. Daily rituals and heartfelt traditions make the world go round. That kind of balance isn’t easy,
but it is so, so worth it.
FRIENDS ZONE
Whether you have a partner, children, or you are flying solo, you most certainly have people in your life that you care about. These people can be relatives, co-workers or friends. And much like a spouse, you love them and want them to feel the same ways that you do when you reach a new height in your wellness journey.
In a more platonic relationship than you share with a spouse, and less intimidating than with a child, you may find it easier to bring friends along on the wellness ride. The tasks can also feel more enjoyable and less like a chore depending on the friend and your comfortable closeness with them.
Good friends allow us to be ourselves. They don’t have the same pressures as our spouse and children do. ( If you’re finding this is untrue, please re-examine the Social Wellness category as you may need to do another round of the relationship inventory. ) It’s often easier to be relaxed and lighthearted around them as you have little to no responsibility. So get the gang together, or just your bff for some one on one bonding time and encourage the lovely people in your life to experience some wellness.
CONCLUSION
Wellness is all around if you just look. And it can absolutely be a group activity if you use a little imagination. From a cup of coffee in the afternoon with your partner. To an at home spa day with your kids. Or a weekend fishing with the guys in the great outdoors. Exploring ones self care is definitely a personal mission, but it doesn’t have to be a lonely one. Having an accountability partner to catch you when you may slip up or show you a fresh take on the subject may be just what you need.
( And possibly what they need too.)
Get the final weeks exercises in the group
And if you’re just joining us now, that’s a-okay. Catch up on your time. The conversation is here, and the opportunity is yours to take at any time.